![]() Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and.Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?” Refuse the Fool’s Choice.Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”.When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.When we hold our pen – our safety and worth – in our own hands, and we don’t give it away to anyone else, we know this is true.“SUMMARY-START WITH HEART Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals-particularly when the going gets tough. AccessAPN is a subscription-based resource from McGraw Hill that features trusted medical content from the best minds in medicine. It tells you about the person giving the feedback.” – Tara Mohr Read chapter 13 of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High, 3e online now, exclusively on AccessAPN. “Feedback doesn’t tell you about yourself. In this free version of the Crucial Conversations summary, you’ll learn the 7 principles of crucial conversations. As a first-generation daughter of Taiwanese immigrants, the need for others’ approval remains strong in me 40+ years later. ![]() In Playing Big, Chapter 4 continues to be the one I reread the most. I work hard to not give my pen – my inherent safety and worth - away to someone other than me. I know I have and continue to struggle to not be hooked on either praise or criticism. Chapter 4: Unhooking from Praise and Criticism, speaks to our need as women for others’ approval with such clarity and honesty, and is one of my favorite chapters in the book. Many of you know that reading Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead by Tara Mohr was what inspired me to become trained as a coach. As we become adults, our good girl habits are so ingrained that they feel like who we are. Overview Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High (2002) was written by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Al Switzler, and Ron McMillan. We are raised and socialized to be pleasers, to be “good girls,” to be nice to everyone, to get along with others, and for most of us to seek the approval of the adults in our lives. Negative feedback and criticism can feel so much more emotionally devastating to us as women. dialogue about the decision making process as well what is each person’s view of how the decision should be made, by. We don’t need someone else’s approval to be ok. Parents and managers hold authority and responsibility they can decide to delegate, but it still remains with them. As we become adults, we retain the same needs, but often don’t learn that we are inherently safe and worthy on our own. As young children, we need and look to the adults in our lives for safety and approval. ![]() ![]() What do we mean by “Retake Your Pen…”? Who is holding our pen – the power – to write your story and meaning? Are you holding your pen, or is someone else?Īs human beings, we have two essential, fundamental needs: (1) to feel safe, and (2) to feel worthy. And I found Chapter 10: Retake Your Pen – How to be resilient when hearing tough feedback – to be one of the best. This time, in the new 3rd edition that came out this year, the authors added a couple of new chapters. A classic and one of the best books out there on how to handle difficult conversations. I recently reread Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Grenny, Patterson et al. We’ve received feedback that stung, felt personal, and then struggled with strong emotions that stayed with us sometimes for a very long time. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot, and this will likely be the subject of an upcoming How to Lead as a Woman Physician article! We’ve all been there.
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